I’m so tired but I can’t sleep…

Once again I have an entry riddled with extremes. It is as if the Buddhist concept of ying and yang* was derived simply from observing the seemingly contradictory experiences one can have in India. But I guess it wouldn’t be India if it were any other way.

*Funny side note…Ying came up on my spell check—it wanted to replace it with yang. How can you have yang without the ying?!?

Last week I was walking through the neighborhood and came upon some baby chics. I picked one up and cuddled it---it was so cute. 2 minutes later I arrive home and there is Lazarus in the backyard killing a chicken for dinner.

Does irony ever stop being ironic?

Anyways, I was happy to have had the experience; now I truly understand the sacrifice made in order for me to eat. In the US, most of us take for granted that life was lost for us to eat. I told myself before coming to India that if I couldn’t at least watch a chicken be killed and help pluck the feathers than I didn’t deserve to eat chicken or any animal for that matter.
So I observed the killing process and then helped pluck the feathers. Just a couple hours later dinner was served. Did I eat the chicken…you bet! And although we don’t have meat all that often, when we do I am very thankful for it. See pictures below…

At times it feels like everyone in India is numb to suffering and death. It is always around whether it is the animals on the street or the street people. You start to ask yourself am I the only one seeing this? Am I going to stop seeing it someday? How do I deal with it now? And I almost get angry at the people I am with for not being outraged but this is their reality, it is all they have ever known. Should they see through my eyes or should I see through theirs?


Then there is the language barrier. It’s funny as soon as someone actually understands me, I feel misunderstood. I am so frustrated with my inability to talk to the people and to understand what they are saying, the jokes they are telling, and the prayers they are praying.
There is no way I can accomplish all that is expected if no one understands each other.

And on the rare occasion when they do understand, they either: think I am stupid and just repeat (over and over) some inane answer to placate me or they don’t trust me and go to Suresh to get approval.

How does that help facilitate administration?

Is it just ‘cause I am a woman?

Everyday is a new day of frustrations and I am trying to stay positive b/c the frustrations are so minor in the scheme of things but it sure is amazing how quickly they add up here in India.

“It’s funny how I feel so much
but can not say a word.
We are screaming inside… but we can’t be heard.”